“Would you be made whole?” That is a good question. Yes… of course. You then stop to think about what it means. I thought about my journey and all the heartache that was there. I wondered if it was worth it to go back and relive what I had lost. I had chosen to end the life of one child and I had lost another to miscarriage.
Memorializing the life of my aborted baby was just the beginning. Pastor Carolyn came back from a conference she had attended and slid a folder across the table to me. It was an outline of an evening of prayer for those who had aborted. I slid it back and said, “We have to do this.” She slid it back to me and said, “Do it.” Rachel’s Cry was born that day.
These are some things I felt:
- I am the family secret.
- I am all alone.
- A piece of me is gone.
- It never stops hurting.
- I am depressed, angry, and can’t be forgiven.
My healing—as is most healing—was a process. It was 24 years before I told my secret to anyone outside my family. As I learned the character of my God and began to feel His love for me regardless of what I had done, it was easier to move out from under the cloud of guilt and judgement that I had placed upon myself.
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
There was still a place in me that felt I did not deserve that gift. One day I asked the Lord to help me forgive myself, and in His faithfulness, He did and I did.
Forgiveness is giving up the hope that your past could have been any different.
I am convinced that without God as my partner through this journey I would still be a broken vessel, and I thank Him every day for lovingly walking this path with me.
— Lynne Mattioli
