Relief….it was over. I could move on with all the plans that I had for my future. I could breathe again. But that relief was short-lived. I had bought a lie, and what came next was guilt, shame, sadness, regret and secrecy.
My story is the same as many others who have gone through the pain and the aftermath of an abortion. In 1975 I was nineteen, unmarried and pregnant. I believed everything said about abortion at the time.
But they were lies.
“It’s just a bunch of cells, not a baby.” A lie.
“You can go on from this and live a carefree and happy life.” Also a lie.
“You’ll forget all about this when it’s over.” A big lie.
My heart knew the truth: I carried more than a fetus. In my womb was a living person—a baby. What I had chosen to do left a hole in my soul. I suffered a condition with a defining term: Post-Abortion Trauma.
Every part of my life was affected by my choice. I held people at a distance. I had a secret, and I wouldn’t let anyone close enough to know what I had done. I couldn’t walk through a store and pass books about abortion and not feel sick. I couldn’t listen to the nightly news and hear what was being said about abortion. I ran from the truth for a very long time.
I became a master at justifying my choice—elaborating all the acceptable reasons for my actions. But they were just more lies. I was also a master at denial, refusing to acknowledge the reality of what I had done. I cried—a lot. I tried hard to figure out why my sense of relief departed, replaced by regret and sorrow.
I resumed living the life I had planned. At 35, I met a man that loved me just as I was. That was the first time I shared my secret outside of my immediate family. He then shared his secret with me. He was the father of an aborted baby. This formed a connection. We shared something in common and understood each other. My marriage was my “safe place.”
But secrets are crippling. They cause guilt, shame, sadness, and regret. They keep us from having happy life everyone wants. I carried my secret for 24 years. One day while talking to a friend on the phone, I got very brave. Without even thinking about it, I shared my secret again. She didn’t skip a beat and went right on with our conversation. Her acceptance was the beginning of my healing.
The friend was my pastor. She suggested that we have a service to memorialize my baby. I acknowledged a life that was ended. I wrote and read aloud a letter to my child. I allowed myself to feel an emotion for the first time: I deeply loved my baby. I sought forgiveness from God, and He granted it.
Now I have a passion for others to experience the freedom I’ve found from post-abortion trauma. Rachel’s Cry Ministries was born on my liberation day, and the outreach has expanded to include those who have lost a child from miscarriage, stillbirth, and crib death.
My pain has been redeemed. Now I live for this purpose: to praise “the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3b-4).
Have you suffered this pain? If so, reach out to Rachel’s Cry Ministries. I promise—we’ll reach back.
Lynne Mattioli
